5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.