Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
best review i’ve ever seen
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?