WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice