INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
You Might Also Like
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.