“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
🤣🤣
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
brian had himself a morning…
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?