Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
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Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.