[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Great acting.. 😂
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop