Ken is short for chicken
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Bringing home a sharpie
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy