*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.