If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me, flirting😏
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
handsome & gretel
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.