I know this now 😂
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me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.