[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
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Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over