Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”