Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
j o i m p
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best