Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.