Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
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Jurassic park gets weird
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Mistakes were made
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”