When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Tremendous stuff
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I support this random dude and all his protests
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted