I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Inside you there are two wolves
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
me irl
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.