The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
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Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I get distracted pretty eas
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
repaired
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what