sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
You Might Also Like
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*