My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Sponch
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
bad news gang
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*