I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Brands during Pride
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler