Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
i will not be silenced