[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Breaking news:
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.