I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
every single time
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.