I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I drew y’all a little something.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.