Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
You Might Also Like
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..