Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
This cat wants you to take your pills
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.