[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off