1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
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Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
A French press is when you hug naked
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.