*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
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friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it