HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
socratic questions
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run: