Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
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[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]