You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
It was worth a shot 😂
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere