Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?