neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
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30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)