My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
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A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Introverted vegans go meetless
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?