Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?