My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”