“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”