My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.