Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.