Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
starting a garage orchestra
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her: