You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
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Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.