If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy