Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji