You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
58.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.