Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
How software testing works
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys