Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
just pretend nothing happened
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶