“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.